Keep The Peace

I have been in the company of OCD these past few weeks. I have made a little progress in my struggle with it. Hopefully others here have done the same. A step in the right direction, no matter how small, has to be a good thing. Even standing still against the force of OCD trying to push us back is an accomplishment. I have noticed that for me, there are two quite distinct components to my OCD. First, there is the uncomfortable feeling that something is not quite right and needs addressing. Second, there are the ruminating thoughts about how and what I should do to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling.

I find that if I sit calmly and try to clear my mind by meditation, the ruminating thoughts gradually decrease and disappear. Then I am left with just the uncomfortable feeling on its own which is then easier to withstand. The thing to do is to just observe without getting in the way of the feeling. We ask ourselves questions about it like what does it do to our body? How long does it last for? Does it keep the same intensity or does it vary? Which part of the body exactly does the feeling originate from?

Trying not to react to the uncomfortable feelings in this way can provide some interesting insights. We can think of the feelings as being similar to unwanted noises. Once a group of monks couldn't get any rest or meditation because the villagers nearby were throwing a loud noisy party well into the night. So they went to their senior monk who was called Ajahn Chah to ask him to tell the villagers to be quiet. Ajahn Chah, who was a great Buddhist master and teacher, asked them if the party noises were disturbing them, or whether it was the monks who were disturbing the party noises. This great gem of wisdom can be a useful tool for us in our situation. Does the uncomfortable OCD feeling disturb us, or are we disturbing the OCD feeling? This is something to bear in mind as we sit with the feeling to see where it leads us.

For those of us who are afflicted by compulsive behaviours, it can seem that we are like slaves to the mean OCD master. Our bodies are chained to the post and we must do whatever the master bids us. Most times we do the compulsive rituals just to make the whippings stop. We spend such a large part of the day worrying or doing these rituals until we end up exhausted. We spend all of our energy bending our will and our backs to accomodate the wishes of a master who really has no authority over us. If only we could see this clearly. The following quote I really like and I think is extremely helpful in our case.

Whatever action is done without mindfulness and clear comprehension is ritual.

- Bhikkhu Pesala

If we have struggled against OCD but in the end are forced to do a ritual in order to make it stop, then let us do the actions with as much mindfulness and clear comprehension as possible. In this way, we put our dignity or human nobility inbetween the OCD and our resultant actions. Even though we are performing a slave's work, we need not be slaves in our minds. OCD can take many things away from us, but it cannot take away our dignity without our consent.

How do we develop mindfulness and clear comprehension? We practice using skillful means such as meditation. We also do it by trying to live in the present moment as much as possible. The past is gone and we can do nothing to change things. The future is uncertain and we should not expend energy on trying to control it because however we expect things to turn out, it will be different somehow. Until the next time, take good care of yourselves, and may you have the strength to see through the tough times.

Metta,
John